to the sleep deprived... thoughts on the death of my beard... hey, i'm going to need your i.d. for those...

i think everyone has ancient routines that they go through everyday that have followed them since childhood... i notice mine more when i can't sleep. this happens occasionally on days where i'm highly stressed or cannot shake anxiety-ridden thoughts. so i may pace a bit, i may grab my guitar (much to my roommates' dismay), pick up a book, or listen to some music with my head phones. but the one thing i always make sure to do is close my closet door. i admit that is a bit on the OCD side of things, but when i'm at my highest level of "can't sleep" that seems like a necessary thing.

i remember doing that when i was younger because i didn't want my closet monsters peering at me as i slept. i would even make sure the closet door was sealed tight so there was no way any creature could get out and get my brother and i. now that i'm 30 do i still worry about the monster? yes. yes i do. okay that's not true, but its just an old habit that has not left me. maybe its a coping thing to sleep. i don't know.

so as i wrestle with insomnia here, i wonder what other's think as they try to sleep and shrug off their worries. or how they do that to begin with. how do you stop giving a shit about every minute detail? i think my problem is i'm a night person living in a day job world. i'm not sure if that means i need to adjust to the day job world or if i need to embrace my night person world.

either way i should probably rest my head and move on to tomorrow. which includes shaving my beard off. not a popular idea among my friends who can't grow a beard, but one my mom will be happy with. i'm not doing this to spite my friends or make my mom happy. i'm just kinda of tired with it for now. i'll probably start growing it back as the colder winter months approach. i just feel like starting new. but how to take this sucker down is another thought process. do i keep the "stache" for little while? do i shave a cool design in the beard first and sport that around? do i keep the sideburns? so many different paths.

regardless i will lose ten years on my face by doing this and well i will most likely get carded for everything. alcohol, condoms, and rated r movies.

well alcohol i'm still off of, but i have been asked for i.d. for the last two.

quickly and then some zzzzzzz's.

so when i was a freshman in college i was home in st. louis and went out and got condoms. i was very responsible with my lady at the time. the thing was i could never just go in and get condoms, i had to be purchasing other items and do the ol' "yeah just this and some (yawn) condoms." (they kept them behind the counter at the time.)

this one particular time i went to a 7-eleven and noticed this parent with her two kids fresh from a soccer game milling around the slurpee machine. i thought, okay i'll just get my cherry coke, get in line and ask for the condoms and get out. well i get my cherry coke and sprint (sort of) to the counter. right before i get there this very old man cuts in line and asks for "benson and hedges 100s in a box" well the cashier is looking all over and can't find it. the man settles on a soft pack and at this point starts counting out his change. FUCKING A! the cashier has to end up spotting him 5 cents. i was close to just buying them for him. so after he gets his pack, i push my cherry coke on the counter and it rolls off on the side of the cashier. he digs it out from his side and asks "will there be anything else my man?" (now at this point everything feels like slow motion). i said, "oh and a pack of the trojans. the light blue box." (i didn't know the varieties, i just knew what i got last time i was there). at this point the cashier looks at me and says "can i see some I.D.?"

i stared at him as if he had just asked me for an I.D. for condoms. oh wait, he did. so i'm speechless and waiting for him to say just kidding or get out or something, instead he just stares waiting for my action. i look around the store for a comforting face, but all i get is that parent with her two kids who are now directly behind me watching all of this unfold, along with three other people. look folks i was nineteen and being responsible, yet i felt like i was just caught shoplifting. alot of tsking came from the line.

i looked back at the cashier, who now has a big toothy grin and says, "naw man i'm just playin'. i'm just glad yer usin' these." he hands me my package of condoms and continues to compliment my high standards of personal responsiblity. i could feel my face heat up from the apparent red color i was beaming to the rest of the store. fucking ridiculous.

i pay for everything and as i walk out he yells, "goo' luhk, man!" while the mother of the two soccer players scowls and shakes her head at me.

i thought, "whatever lady, i'm going to get laid and i wasn't going to be having any lame soccer offspring."

okay enough tangents for one night...

Holy (Trinity) Shit!

i like sports. i'm not going to apologize for this. i know way too much about current and past players, strategies, offenses, defenses, and mascots of teams from all sports. when i came to columbia, mo for the univ. of missouri's j-school (pardon me "journalism" school) i wanted to be a sports writer. combining two passions of mine into one, an easy choice. after my first round of j-school classes i realized i hated the format of writing in journalism as was taught at the time.

so this morning i'm doing my usual internet check in and i find a video of a last second play in a football game between NCAA division III schools Trinity University and Millsaps that most likely will end up on a number of top ten plays of the year in the media.

for those not familiar with the intricate rules of football, just know that there is only two seconds left in the game and the only option Trinity has here is to score a touch down. in this case in order to keep the ball moving forward they have to either throw one big pass in the endzone or continuously lateral the ball to keep moving towards the endzone. trinity obviously chooses the latter:



as far as lateral circuses go this comes a close second to the Cal and Stanford game, in that game the marching band offers the perfect touch of last second dramatics.

a disclaimer: this blog is not about halloween... but this post does mention the dreaded holiday

just putting this out here. yes "zombies" are featured in the title, but i have to say that i'm not all that big on halloween. its funny as a person with a background in elementary and early childhood education, halloween and valentine's day are my least favorite holidays.

if i had to rank the major holidays as they pertain to a teacher from favorite to hated (yes hated) they would go:

1.christmas/hannukah/kwanzaa - no matter what you celebrate you will receive gifts/candy/alcohol/movie certificates/etc. teachers often refer to this as "the score"
2.new year's day - essentially this recognizes that all staff and parents are human and take advantage of a day of nursing hangovers. i think the hangover part of this holiday should be a bigger part of the celebration. like maybe say a parade full of napping and passed out people on floats made by those same sleeping people the night before when they were drunk. i imagine floats with deflated tires, flowers and paper mache pasted to the side of hungover faces, and small fires in random spots on the displays as they crawl through intersections and over street corners knocking down fire hydrants, road signs,etc...
3. president's day - the day off, thanks to our founding fathers.
4. halloween - the candy and such is a plus, but as a teacher you have to manage a classroom that is essentially in crazy mode all day long (sometimes that is not too far from a normal day). unfortunately parents' attempt to get their kids into a cute costume that will eventually hang on their wall in picture form (which will eventually embarrass them when they bring home their first significant other) and they forget about feasibility. parts of the costume have to be retied, repinned, readjusted, and of course these are little guys so they have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, so the costume better have a quick escape hatch. if not, well let's just say it will be an unhappy day for that trick-or-treater.
5. valentine's day - okay here is my "bah, hum bug" moment. i really hate this holiday. not because i am single, i hate this holiday when i'm in LOVE with someone. i could site the whole "it's a corporate holiday" thing, but let me tell you, it is the least creative of the holidays. every thing is packaged perfectly (i use that term loosely) in pink, red, lace, shiny, silk, balloon, teddy bear, and heart forms. and what happens with all of that shit? you throw it out. okay you throw everything out after all holidays, but this is the one where you get rid of everything. how many people actually say, "oh and this is my teddy bear with the 'i wuv you' balloon that josh got me fifteen years ago. isn't it sweet? oh and this is the heart pillow that plays bryan adams' 'everything i do, i do for you', that josh gave me in 2000." by the way if you are dating someone like that, break up with them now, unless you enjoy the unattached mind. now as a teacher, there is something cute about 20 handcrafted cards that say happy valentine's day spelled in scarwling crayon reading "hSVda5*/g". but i guess its how adults interact with each other on this particular day. "honey i love you so much, and thank god there is a holiday that reminds me to tell you this. so here is a precious moments statuette that says exactly what i am supposed to tell you." wow i'm a cynical asshole. but why is feb. 14 more meaningful than feb. 15? oh because the card i just gave you says so...

for a couple of months i have been wanting to shave my beard, but i wanted to use the remaining moustache as a costume prop for halloween. but being an early childhood instructor and having a moustache raises the creep flag. so the costumes that have been pondered are:

- police man - too village people-ish
- fire man - see police man
- news anchor - students would get this
- freddie mercury - see police man, fire man, and news anchor

so as it turns out the one that makes the most sense with enough kitsch value is being...

a nascar driver. the problems with this are one) due to the suprising rise of popularity, nascar gear is expensive. two) this outfit will work with school, but what about my time between school and an eventual appearance at a party? i look ridiculous in just a moustache. i mean i look like a bad ass, but seriously this is something i can keep for less than five minutes without a costume.

the other issue is that the beard makes me look closer to my age of 30. if i shave it off i lose at least ten years, maybe more and i will have to go through showing six forms of i.d. to see a rated r movie.

the good kinda of find... and more discussions from the playground...

i mentioned many moons ago that i would use this space for a variety of things, and not to add to the already cluttered world of music blogs and the excess buzz they leave on the internet, but last week during my visit to CMJ i attended the
Fader Magazine party, where i discovered yeasayer. Let me rephrase "discovered", because no one really discovers say a fire truck with all of its lights speeding down the street. so i had heard about yeasayer with all of the typical fanfare of the next up and coming thing. which when you hear and read about a band before hearing it for yourself you tend to overhype the band in your head. but as i stood amongst A & R jerks, backpack journalists, and various model and band types i found a moment of clarity. i was able to shove aside all fanfare and the hippest of the hippest crowd and observe the band. it was great from the get go. the band opened up with "2080" and i was hooked from there. live they take full advantage of the pedals and multi-part vocals. as a show they look like four guys that don't belong in the same band. i can't go into much more description you have to see the show to get it. regardless their approach to music can be similar to that of other brooklyn-based bands like say TV on the Radio. anyway, there was something endearing about this band that kept your attention.

you will certainly hear more from this band as they make their way around the typical "up and coming" circuit. as could be predicted pitchfork has a glowing review up. regardless i think the music is great and is worth looking into.

so now that i'm back at work with the kiddos they of course provide some pretty funny interactions which is a pleasant change from my previous week filled with overserious self conscious music folks in williamsburg. here is another situation. again the student's name is changed for the sake of privacy.

i am called to a situation at the geo-dome (for those unfamiliar with this apparatus, it is basically a climbing structure that looks like half of a soccer ball). there are six students climbing on the top and one child is below on the ground sitting in the dirt.

me: amanda you need help? you should move out of the way so that your other friends can get down without hurting you.

amanda: i can't

me: why?

amanda: because

me: (now sensing a conversational pattern that is typical with 3 to 5 year olds) because why?

amanda: because i can't (kids at this age are notorious for answering in circles)

me: why can't you move? if your friends drop down they will hurt you.

amanda: because i'm in the toilet.

me: you're in the toilet?

amanda: yeah we are playing toilet bowl and i just got flushed.

really it is hard to re-direct students when answers like this are said with such a serious tone and expression.

billy: you are playing toilet bowl?

amanda: yeah i'm in the water now, and they are all next.

its situations like these where i think back to my childhood and try and recall crazy made-up games like this. i don't think the toilet bowl ever crossed my mind as a premise for a game. oh well at least they weren't playing this in an actual toilet. that clean up is perhaps the worst part of the job.

After the trip, the things that need to go...

On my last night in New York city, I settled in at a bar in Brooklyn (Williamsburg) with some friends. Those in the know and dressed in the know covered the tables and walls of a room filled with velvet underground, black rebel motorcycle club, and other drone oriented pop rock pumping from the speakers. This was to be a low key night because the drive home was starting at 8 am. So we escaped the noise and clutter of the bar room with the cooler climate of the outdoor bench area to talk. It was a nice coherent line of conversation for about an hour. We decided to make it to another bar across the street in a much quieter setting and to see a friend I hadn’t seen all trip. We sat down and talked about Columbia: new/old/etc. and were quickly joined by a woman from Australia. She immediately cut in about life and what the purpose of everything was. Now I came to new York to find purpose and direction for my life. After meeting with a good portion of the music industry I felt I had a good grip on what I needed to do, but I still wasn’t feeling a summation of it all. Sometime life’s messages come in the oddest of vessels… I told her that her points were interesting and she told me to Fuck Off. She quickly apologized for the outburst, but here is how the rest of our conversation went:

Kate – No, no. I’m sorry. Look do you know what your choices are?
Billy – no
Kate – (licking her finger and drawing a circle on the table.) Look I can draw this for you. (she completes the circle with a smiley face). The only choice you have is to exist.
Billy – uh huh.
Kate – And we need to be happy. You need to believe that. You need to be happy and do what you need to do. Because without that, there is no point in existing.
Billy – Hmm.
Kate - and existing is why we are here in the first place.
Billy – Thank you so much. (I extend my hand and try to show my sincerity. She looks at it and squares her eyes at me) Well I have to go, but thank you so much. You are right (my hand is still extended at this point, her eyes become more focused as she attempts to read sarcasm in my efforts). Okay well you can leave it.
Kate – no, no (she grips my hand) you have to understand that is why we are here. And I don’t care I am not moving to California.
Billy – well kate thank you so much for your words. I have to go.
I extend a hug to her and she hugs back. In fact she won’t let go and she whispers, “stay passionate about what you are doing. Keep doing what keeps you happy.”

I begin my trip trying to figure out if I’m doing the right thing. Sacrificing financial stability, relationships, etc. for longevity in a creative field known for short life spans. And in the final hour, no final minute, I get a pep talk that has rivaled any halftime coach speech from a drunk lady from Australia. It gets me thinking about things. I have to cut the negatives and keep pushing and pursuing. Its almost where I want it to be.

A list of things that can go from my life now, to begin cleaning house, some of these are simple observations, some are more in-depth and personal….

Simple Observations:

• People with backpacks at crowded shows. – This is incredibly annoying on a variety of levels. Being a person of shorter stature I have found it difficult to see over the head and shoulders of my fellow concert attendees. This is something that I have grown accustomed to and usually expect out of my live shows. A factor you deal with at crowded shows is some asshole with a larger than small dog bag. I understand that when you travel by subway or bus and you will not be home for awhile that you will inevitably need a few things. But it’s the things THEY need, not me, so for the sake of those standing on tippy toes to see over your head and shoulders please please please leave the bad at the door. I’m not saying you’re an asshole if you’re carrying a bag through the door, but you are.

• Women (and men) with “purse” dogs – I understand the need to have something cuddly and cute and compassionate in your life. But dogs are NOT accessories. They aren’t supposed to “go with” your shoes, skirt, and sunglasses. If it breathes or needs water and food, it does not belong on the same shelf as your jewelry. I hate celebrities for okaying this function in society.

• The over exaggerated outfit. – This outfit is a constant in Williamsburg. In a sense there is this great “come as you are” feel to everything. But when you fucking show up in too tight shorts, an ironic v-neck t-shirt, oversized sun glasses and striped socks pulled all the way up to your knees with off color nike sneakers, you have gone from keeping your body clothed to becoming a clown. I have no problem with pushing fashion and style trends, but there is literally no difference in the amount of time put into an outfit like that and A guy getting ready for work with an Armani suit. That suit takes the same amount of time as those with the overexaggerated outfit. Making sure the half-shaved mullet fits perfectly inside and outside of your side-cocked neon “I love New York” hat. Making sure that the v-neck shirt doesn’t match your shorts, BUT does in fact match your socks. Look I know I’m being petty. And if you ever stop off the L train at Bedford you will only find one or two people like this in a crowd of a hundred. Still these people could go from my life.


Okay now for some of the more personal insights of things that need to go from my life:

• Other people's emotional baggage. – okay this sounds horribly selfish. And it is for the most part. notice i said "baggage". I’m 30. I have said that before. I will try not to beat this into the ground, but in my search for love (sometimes high/sometimes low) and path of life I have encountered too many people who will not take care of their shits. I being one of them. Many moons ago (in high school) my girlfriend was sexually assaulted. Her security and my trust in people were turned upside down. I never addressed it. I thought I did by working as an informational counselor on rape and sexual assault. I just worked over it. In a sense it’s like a bump in the road, but instead opening the road up and removing the bump I have laid down road upon road upon road over it. The bump still exists and now it has gotten to the point where I worry about EVERYTHING. This is something I have to address on my own, and I’m doing that now. So in my efforts to right my path of life (stress reduction, sobriety, celibacy. Okay that last one is NOT voluntary) I have found that my patience for the overdramatic problems that people have don’t fit in my life. And this really isn’t all that selfish, I mean I have taken three people in my life to Mid-Missouri Mental Health Ward because they either A) attempted suicide B) said they were going to do it that day. That is three too many in my lifetime. And that is hard when you go through that with a friend, because at that point you have gone from friend to therapist, and your relationship is never the same again. Not saying I can’t be there for a person who is going through a rough time, but when you make it a consistent issue that is when the problem arrives. Folks we only live once and you should make the best of it. I know I’m trying my best to cope with things in my past.

• My lack of confidence in myself. – in my constant worrying about everything I have lost my confidence in myself. Things I want to do now:

- Pick up music theory, understand the chords and notes i am playing. I know the primordial basics of what I’m doing, but I can learn more.

- Pick up the drums. It is a complicated instrument, but nothing that can’t be understood with some practice and technique.

- Get out on the dating scene. Notice I said “dating” not “relationship” scene. Not that I’m opposed to having a consistent somebody, but it would take someone uber-special to make me think otherwise.

- Travel more. Christ this planet is too big to be sitting in a smaller town treading water. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE Columbia, but I need to be able to see beyond its borders.

- Have some sort of intermediate long term goals. I have overall objectives I want to complete, but nothing concrete.

- More money. I am not saving anything, well I shouldn’t say that. I have an IRA, but really I need to pay down some debt in a major way.

• Short sleep times – Those in my inner circle know I am always working. I’m on my phone, computer, out of the house, out of my mind, etc. I need to get my body and mind rested. I am ALWAYS tired.
I think I have a better foundation for the things that need to change and improve in my life. Right now I have to resist a move to new York city and get cracking on a new album.

L to the V to the 2 to the R

if you ever move to new york, you will know with in five hours that you don't need a car. it's too much to worry about parking, insurance, and just plain driving sometimes. so subway it is. and the occasional cab.

yesterday it was all about mass trans. ryan has never been to nyc so after i got done with some band/label work we went to central park and the metropolitan museum of modern art, and later went to the world trade center site. hmmm. this is sounding like a date.

anyway, the night concluded with our label showcase at the knitting factory featuring witch's hat and bald eagle. both put on great shows to a nice size audience. the knitting factory's old office is like a cave with a bar. this played well for the antics of witch's hat, and provided a megaphone blast for bald eagle. if it weren't for the napkins i stuffed in my ears i would have no hearing for the rest of the trip. which sucks because this is of course a music festival.

anyway, time for rest on some couch cushions. more observations to come

12 hours in the Car = my ten year old version...

so as some of you may know, i am in new york city. this trip was a long one. 20 hours by car (more with traffic stops, starts, and stops). i am accompanied by my friend of longstanding, ryan reed. ryan is an honorary Schuh in my family. we get along great for a variety of reasons, but one that holds out the most, is the ability to just plain get along. it is really hard to find people you can actually travel with. ryan is just one of them fellers.

another thing about ryan is that we act like ten year olds when we are together. most of the conversation is laughing. usually about dumb shit we thought of or various sexual innuendos. it's all petty and immature, but funny. most of our sentences start out with YEAH! or CHECK THIS OUT! or No, Dude... again petty, but very needed. ryan and i both turned 30 and have had A LOT of changes in our lives. this trip is exactly what we needed. hopefully we will find what we are looking for besides pizza, falafel and taxis...

so our trip to new york was, as i mentioned, loooooong. our first stretch was from st. louis to columbus. that was cake. it was today's drive that was draining. started at 8:30 am and ended at 9:15 pm. okay for those mathemagicians out there that is more than 12 hours. but ryan and i came upon an accident in which two tractor-trailers collided to create what a witness described as "hell on earth". the two vehicles exploded and burned down to their frames. the wreckage was intense, but in order to see it you had to travel 7 miles for TWO hours.... slow doesn't even begin to describe the traffic pace.

anyway, we arrive in brooklyn and meet up with my friends in the band Witch's Hat. i had secured them and the band Bald Eagle a place to stay for the week of the CMJ festival, but like clockwork, something fell through. a roommate of one of the people they are staying with was unaware, and was not cool with four unknowns grabbing floor space. in the end it worked out fine, everyone has found cozy dwellings in williamsburg, brooklyn, but we will see how the shuffle for floor space will go for the next couple of days.

i am really looking forward to seeing some friends and meeting some new people with whom the label and band will be working with. also i will have dinner with my grandma (who apparently is sticking around this lifetime long enough to see me get married.... we'll see about that). so all in all i expect good things, but i need some rest. i slept on a hard wood floor last night and tonight i will be on a loveseat, so my back is going to be in all sorts of compromising positions... (insert your own joke here)

100 days of sobriety (also equals 100 days of celibacy)

So in the past couple of months i have dealt with a variety of dizzy spells and disorientations. My doctor recommended i let go of the bottle for a month. i did. i felt a little better, and after some blood tests, my electrolites and such improved. but it was recommended that i continue to stay on the sobriety train. so after fifteen more days, i got an implied challenge from friend josh. most people know him as pants, but he is currently riding 160 plus days without solid food. he has lost over 200 pounds and looks GREAT! i'm really proud of him. anyway, josh and i were talking. i was complaining about something, and he turns to me and says, "look schuh, when you have been off alcohol for a hundred days like i have been without food, then you can complain." thus the idea for 100 days of sobriety was born. what an idea, NO alcohol for 100 days. the last time that happened was years ago after i came down with a virus that kept me from walking. (a story for another time).

so here i am my 100th day of sobriety and i'm feeling great. do i sound like an alcoholic? well i certainly drank too much, but i think the issue was the fact that i was unable to maintain a balance of moderation and my body pretty much told me "that's it i'm shutting down." if you don't take care of your body it will do something about it. mine did. so in my off time from drinking i started exercising and eating better! what a fucking concept! so i feel better, though the dizzy spells still exist. MRI results showed i was normal(ish). no tumors and such. so what is my deal. i have done everything the doctors asked and well here i am still searching for an answer. damn i need a drink...

well the other biproduct is celibacy. now i'm not saying throw me a pity party, but the thing about not drinking and hanging out with people late into the evening you are aware of EVERY movement and word. you can't just cross off a one night stand to having too much cranberry juice. so i find myself overanalyzing words, movements and feelings. it doesn't leave much room for stupid lines and moves...

regardless, i feel okay with all of that. i have met some really nice women (which is hard to find in a college town) but nothing to write home about... yet. all in all i'm going to quietly celebrate this small feat with some sleep. alone. (pity party time!)