After the trip, the things that need to go...

On my last night in New York city, I settled in at a bar in Brooklyn (Williamsburg) with some friends. Those in the know and dressed in the know covered the tables and walls of a room filled with velvet underground, black rebel motorcycle club, and other drone oriented pop rock pumping from the speakers. This was to be a low key night because the drive home was starting at 8 am. So we escaped the noise and clutter of the bar room with the cooler climate of the outdoor bench area to talk. It was a nice coherent line of conversation for about an hour. We decided to make it to another bar across the street in a much quieter setting and to see a friend I hadn’t seen all trip. We sat down and talked about Columbia: new/old/etc. and were quickly joined by a woman from Australia. She immediately cut in about life and what the purpose of everything was. Now I came to new York to find purpose and direction for my life. After meeting with a good portion of the music industry I felt I had a good grip on what I needed to do, but I still wasn’t feeling a summation of it all. Sometime life’s messages come in the oddest of vessels… I told her that her points were interesting and she told me to Fuck Off. She quickly apologized for the outburst, but here is how the rest of our conversation went:

Kate – No, no. I’m sorry. Look do you know what your choices are?
Billy – no
Kate – (licking her finger and drawing a circle on the table.) Look I can draw this for you. (she completes the circle with a smiley face). The only choice you have is to exist.
Billy – uh huh.
Kate – And we need to be happy. You need to believe that. You need to be happy and do what you need to do. Because without that, there is no point in existing.
Billy – Hmm.
Kate - and existing is why we are here in the first place.
Billy – Thank you so much. (I extend my hand and try to show my sincerity. She looks at it and squares her eyes at me) Well I have to go, but thank you so much. You are right (my hand is still extended at this point, her eyes become more focused as she attempts to read sarcasm in my efforts). Okay well you can leave it.
Kate – no, no (she grips my hand) you have to understand that is why we are here. And I don’t care I am not moving to California.
Billy – well kate thank you so much for your words. I have to go.
I extend a hug to her and she hugs back. In fact she won’t let go and she whispers, “stay passionate about what you are doing. Keep doing what keeps you happy.”

I begin my trip trying to figure out if I’m doing the right thing. Sacrificing financial stability, relationships, etc. for longevity in a creative field known for short life spans. And in the final hour, no final minute, I get a pep talk that has rivaled any halftime coach speech from a drunk lady from Australia. It gets me thinking about things. I have to cut the negatives and keep pushing and pursuing. Its almost where I want it to be.

A list of things that can go from my life now, to begin cleaning house, some of these are simple observations, some are more in-depth and personal….

Simple Observations:

• People with backpacks at crowded shows. – This is incredibly annoying on a variety of levels. Being a person of shorter stature I have found it difficult to see over the head and shoulders of my fellow concert attendees. This is something that I have grown accustomed to and usually expect out of my live shows. A factor you deal with at crowded shows is some asshole with a larger than small dog bag. I understand that when you travel by subway or bus and you will not be home for awhile that you will inevitably need a few things. But it’s the things THEY need, not me, so for the sake of those standing on tippy toes to see over your head and shoulders please please please leave the bad at the door. I’m not saying you’re an asshole if you’re carrying a bag through the door, but you are.

• Women (and men) with “purse” dogs – I understand the need to have something cuddly and cute and compassionate in your life. But dogs are NOT accessories. They aren’t supposed to “go with” your shoes, skirt, and sunglasses. If it breathes or needs water and food, it does not belong on the same shelf as your jewelry. I hate celebrities for okaying this function in society.

• The over exaggerated outfit. – This outfit is a constant in Williamsburg. In a sense there is this great “come as you are” feel to everything. But when you fucking show up in too tight shorts, an ironic v-neck t-shirt, oversized sun glasses and striped socks pulled all the way up to your knees with off color nike sneakers, you have gone from keeping your body clothed to becoming a clown. I have no problem with pushing fashion and style trends, but there is literally no difference in the amount of time put into an outfit like that and A guy getting ready for work with an Armani suit. That suit takes the same amount of time as those with the overexaggerated outfit. Making sure the half-shaved mullet fits perfectly inside and outside of your side-cocked neon “I love New York” hat. Making sure that the v-neck shirt doesn’t match your shorts, BUT does in fact match your socks. Look I know I’m being petty. And if you ever stop off the L train at Bedford you will only find one or two people like this in a crowd of a hundred. Still these people could go from my life.


Okay now for some of the more personal insights of things that need to go from my life:

• Other people's emotional baggage. – okay this sounds horribly selfish. And it is for the most part. notice i said "baggage". I’m 30. I have said that before. I will try not to beat this into the ground, but in my search for love (sometimes high/sometimes low) and path of life I have encountered too many people who will not take care of their shits. I being one of them. Many moons ago (in high school) my girlfriend was sexually assaulted. Her security and my trust in people were turned upside down. I never addressed it. I thought I did by working as an informational counselor on rape and sexual assault. I just worked over it. In a sense it’s like a bump in the road, but instead opening the road up and removing the bump I have laid down road upon road upon road over it. The bump still exists and now it has gotten to the point where I worry about EVERYTHING. This is something I have to address on my own, and I’m doing that now. So in my efforts to right my path of life (stress reduction, sobriety, celibacy. Okay that last one is NOT voluntary) I have found that my patience for the overdramatic problems that people have don’t fit in my life. And this really isn’t all that selfish, I mean I have taken three people in my life to Mid-Missouri Mental Health Ward because they either A) attempted suicide B) said they were going to do it that day. That is three too many in my lifetime. And that is hard when you go through that with a friend, because at that point you have gone from friend to therapist, and your relationship is never the same again. Not saying I can’t be there for a person who is going through a rough time, but when you make it a consistent issue that is when the problem arrives. Folks we only live once and you should make the best of it. I know I’m trying my best to cope with things in my past.

• My lack of confidence in myself. – in my constant worrying about everything I have lost my confidence in myself. Things I want to do now:

- Pick up music theory, understand the chords and notes i am playing. I know the primordial basics of what I’m doing, but I can learn more.

- Pick up the drums. It is a complicated instrument, but nothing that can’t be understood with some practice and technique.

- Get out on the dating scene. Notice I said “dating” not “relationship” scene. Not that I’m opposed to having a consistent somebody, but it would take someone uber-special to make me think otherwise.

- Travel more. Christ this planet is too big to be sitting in a smaller town treading water. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE Columbia, but I need to be able to see beyond its borders.

- Have some sort of intermediate long term goals. I have overall objectives I want to complete, but nothing concrete.

- More money. I am not saving anything, well I shouldn’t say that. I have an IRA, but really I need to pay down some debt in a major way.

• Short sleep times – Those in my inner circle know I am always working. I’m on my phone, computer, out of the house, out of my mind, etc. I need to get my body and mind rested. I am ALWAYS tired.
I think I have a better foundation for the things that need to change and improve in my life. Right now I have to resist a move to new York city and get cracking on a new album.